Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
