Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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