it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
