Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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