I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
