Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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