How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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