i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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