we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
