he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Randomize
