So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
