i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
