He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Do you have feelings for this penis?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
