when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he's gonorrhea incarnate
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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