my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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