Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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