if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
