tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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