I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
