You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
