im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
