y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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