Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
