I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My breasts were aching with rage.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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