Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
