She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
