mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
