I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
