You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
