my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
