You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
