you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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