im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
