I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
this is an emotional support booty call
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
