My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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