im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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