I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
