Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
there is glitter all over my balls
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
