Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
