Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
