Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
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I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
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Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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