please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
