I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
