I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
