so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
