I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
