apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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