i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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