Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
