This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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