Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
