so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
