I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
