Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
