My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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