I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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