shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
