You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
