I hate your face
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
