shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
