Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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