Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
