hotel room ftw
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
